BEE Clear: Boundaries, Empathy, and Expectations
One of the many challenges of leadership is clear communication. Many of my clients are surprised by how much of their time is consumed with communicating with their team and stakeholders. It’s no secret for those of us who support leaders, but it never ceases to be part of the learning curve when leaders move into new roles.
In coaching leaders, I have seen the biggest difference in impact and influence from those who have invested time in creating clear boundaries, empathy, and expectations. The reality is that all leaders have all three, but the difference lies in taking the time to make them explicit for themselves and those they work with.
Boundaries
Boundaries are my favorite place to start with new leaders and leaders in new roles because it does the most to set them up for success. Boundaries live on a continuum from too porous, which others see as being a pushover, to too firm, which others see as inflexible and disagreeable. The sweet spot lies in the middle where a leader honors their values and needs, as well as the values and needs of others.
Brené Brown offers a useful definition of boundaries, “what’s okay and what’s not okay,” and I encourage my clients to start focusing on the areas that matter most to them. We start with questions like, “where do you see a need for clearer boundaries?” and “where do you feel resentful toward others?” Resentments are a telltale sign of boundary issues and often lead to compelling insights and more questions about related boundaries.
When clients start unpacking and defining their boundaries, they can feel a little lost. Some aspects of boundaries are immediate and obvious. Forms of harassment and disrespect fall in this category. Other aspects are more subtle, such as time and commitments. What is the right balance of work-life commitments? How often am I willing to put in extra hours at the office to finish important projects? Does eating lunch between meetings or at my desk add to my sense of hectic days? What are my “can’t miss” commitments? What self-care routine do I need to feel engaged and at my best?
A great place to start with boundaries is to make a list of major areas of your life and score your level of satisfaction in those areas (on a scale of 1-10). Then ask yourself three questions:
“What boundaries could I put in place that would raise my score here?”
“What will be possible if I set that boundary?”
“What am I willing to change to set and maintain that boundary?”
Client responses differ from the two groups of porous and rigid. Overly porous clients see an opportunity to assert themselves in affirming ways, and overly rigid clients see shifting their boundaries as a loss of autonomy or control. Both end up in a place where they report more mutual and empowered relationships.
Empathy
Once you have some clarity on your boundaries, empathy is an important area to hone your awareness and skills. Aside from sociopaths, we all possess an innate ability to be empathic. We may not take the time to express our empathy or even understand that we are experiencing empathy, but it is there.
Empathy is our ability to know and share the feelings of others. It doesn’t mean that we have to experience what that other person experiences. It means that we have to be able to connect to having an experience of that same emotion. From a leadership perspective, empathy is the secret sauce of connection and empowerment. If you want your people to feel seen, heard, and vital to your team, grow your ability to express empathy.
Like boundaries, empathy lies on a continuum. Too much empathy is ruinous to relationships, and people run the risk of empathy fatigue. While too little empathy feels like judgment and disregard, and people run the risk of alienating those around them. I should also note, there are gendered aspects to empathy. Women are expected to be more empathetic and judged negatively when they aren’t, while men experience lower expectations to be empathetic and are rewarded when they show some empathy.
For my clients, I encourage them to explore empathy in relation to boundaries. Clear boundaries serve as an excellent foundation for strong empathy, not letting empathy overwhelm them or avoid empathy altogether.
A powerful set of empathy tools includes:
Empathetic statements:
“That sounds really hard.”
“Can you tell me more?”
“It sounds like you are feeling [frustrated, disappointed, mad].”
Naming the emotion you see/hear:
“I can hear how [angry] you are.”
“I see the [joy] in your face.”
Empathy stacking — using two or more empathetic statements in a row. It shows the other person you are listening and can be very powerful in de-escalating conflict or anger.
“I can see how upset you are. That sounds really hard.”
Then comes the practice of using one of those tools in low-risk situations until my client feels comfortable modifying and adapting the tool or using it in a medium or high-intensity situation.
Expectations
I leave expectations for last to help offset our action bias as a society. We like to be in motion, doing things, and I find with my clients that expectations are often the easiest for them to articulate. However, by holding off on naming expectations until they have begun to set clear boundaries and express and feel empathy, leaders have set themselves up to better understand the contexts and priorities of their team and stakeholders, which in turn prepares them to set more powerful and useful expectations.
The power of expectations comes from their clarity, achievability, and measurability. Ambiguous expectations are a recipe for confusion and disappointing outcomes. Unachievable expectations are demotivating and demoralizing. Measurable expectations inherently provide performance metrics that can (and should) align individual and organizational goals.
Where I see clients struggle the most is in making the expectations clear on both sides. A leader knows what they want from their employee, but the employee doesn’t fully understand what is expected of them or doesn’t fully commit to delivering on those expectations.
To avoid the potential problems of unspoken conflict, I invite clients to use a process of creating mutually defined expectations.
Share what you would like your report to do in direct and concrete language.
“I would like you to do X by Y date.”
Ask for potential blind spots or considerations.
“Am I missing any cross-commitments or competing demands?”
Solicit their agreement and commitment with a yes, no, or counteroffer.
“So we are agreed that you will do X by Y date?”
When done well, this way of setting expectations reduces conflict and avoids wasting time on the wrong goals. It also provides an opportunity to create improved expectations with your direct reports. I find that people want to work hard and do their best and setting clear expectations with them is a great way to direct that energy to create benefits and rewards for them and the company.